I am sitting here at my desk, trying to explain to myself why I haven’t blogged anything in the last three weeks. I would assume the one thing that keeps me from doing so is my absolute lack of desire to blog about Japan at this time. It’s not that there hasn’t been anything to blog about. I am just finding myself in a position of complete disillusionment.
As the summer months crawl by, I keep asking myself the same old questions. “Why I am still in Japan, when so many have moved on.” “Why I am still single, when so many my age have married and started families?” Or better yet, “Why I can’t seem to settle on a career when I am 31 and many are already well entrenched in their ambitions? ” It’s not that I am envious of those who are “successful” in the oxford definition of a happy life. Yet I can’t help but feel the ALT lifestyle is leaving me stretched thin. I love many aspects of Japan, yet feel I can never really amount to anything if I stay here. But then I ask myself, what is this “anything” I want to amount to in the first place. Is it worthwhile? Will it leave me satisfied? Can I really say that digging myself into a mediocre career with a wife and kids will give me anymore satisfaction than what I am doing now?
But there lies the problem. What am I doing now? The life of an ALT is a strange one indeed. I am there to assist my teachers with lessons, and I even make my own lesson plans when it comes to elementary school? Sadly, there is little that changes year to year. I am always making flashcards and finding songs. I am always using myself as a human tape recorder when I am in the Junior High classes. There are no promotions and no raises. I am not a human here. I am an ALT, and that is something I will always be. I am highly expendable, and that bothers me. As much as I enjoy this job it is not something I can do for rest of my life. When it comes to being ambitious, I am not Howard Hughes, but I am also not Kleatus, the slack jawed yokel. I feel like some days I am force to choose between these ridiculous extremes.
Which brings me to the next step. What that is, I’m not sure, however, I need to find it as soon as possible. I delayed this decision last year by moving out into the middle of nowhere. I fear now that if I don’t make it soon, I’ll be relegated to the vast rice-fields of Japan for years to come. In the mean time I will resume my blogging ways, and finding ways to make Japan enjoyable for all of you on the outside. Thanks for sticking around.
