Reflective Blog Warning: If you are not interested in hearing me reflect about my life then you can skip this segment.
My friend Kristen Told me that Japan would be a life changing experience. I sort of knew what she was talking about. But I have to say that now I’m starting to see first hand.
Growing up for me was not a difficult venture. I was never poor, starved or beaten. I really can’t complain about my past. Nothing really traumatic happened. But a part of me developed during those years, and that was my desire for security. You see, my father was and still is a heavy smoker. Growing up I always had the worst fear that he would die when I was young, throwing my life into turmoil and leaving my family to struggle for its survival. Funny that. I am now 27 and he is still alive. He may even outlive me. Who knows?
During those youthful adventures, my desire for security grew strong. I wanted to know that things would be safe and stay the same. And for the most part they did. There were some very hard times in my youth, but for the most part, the security was there. Of course I knew I was growing up, and times would change. I would be shoved out of that nest at some point, and perhaps left out on my own to fend for myself. This concept to me, was the worst possible scenario. I wouldn’t, no I couldn’t let it happen to me. I would ensure that security and me would be best friends for years to come. And has I grew up, but beliefs grew up around that.
Many of my friends will tell you that I’m a paradox. One side of me is very liberal, but there are occasions where I strike hard with right wing rhetoric. Yes, it’s true. I have been know to shove a pro “death penalty” speech there and a “lets kill all drunk drivers there” rant there. Only today do I realize that it was because of an unstoppable desire for security that I did what I did. My true thoughts and feels were always pushed down. Hidden and poking out every so often as to confuse the hell out of my friends. I’m sure they probably had no clue what was going on, but to me, my desire for security controlled much of what I did. It controlled the way I acted and the way I even thought about girls. How is this you may ask?
You see, I’ve always been in love with love. In many cases it didn’t even matter who that person was. As long as they loved me, I was happy. Sure I had my preferences (as my friend Emily and I so argued over back in University), but the idea was that this girl would come and give me the security that I would lose when I moved out on my own. it was the ideal solution for my security woes. I didn’t move out until I was 24, but I was dating someone at the time and we moved out together. I was in heaven. I could now keep my security and be in love at the same time. It was a bonus that I really did come to love this woman. It was more then love for the sake of love. I would wake up and night and hold her, knowing that this is where I wanted to be. Ah, but security was rearing it’s ugly head in all this, and dictating my life again, controlling the way I thought, my job (which I was at for way too long all in the name of security), and my personal feelings. And my family has always has a say in those.
My mother is a devoted American, and I do five her credit for it. Her patriotism is legendary. And I’m proud of her for it. Thanks for that patriotism I grew up thinking that the security that I enjoyed was there because of the United States and its way of life. That is not completely false either, but far from the complete truth. No one country is responsible for the peace that many of us enjoy today. But hey! When you cling to security and strongly as I do, you’re willing to ignore a few key facts in order to pretend that everything is okay. I mean how could the great US be responsible for horrific crimes against other countries and it’s own people. Even during Iraq War II, I frantically defended its actions from those who were against the US. Inside I knew that I was also secretly against this war, but I knew that if the US was in control that my security last. That was the key. Not that 9000 Iraqi civilians were dead, but that I was happy and safe. That is all that mattered. But what I didn’t count on was that my security would be taken away be the sources I least suspected.
It’s funny what they say about crime. It is usually an inside job. I never thought that my security would be taken away from me by the ones I held the dearest. Not to say that taking away my security is a crime, but it’s a nice way to compare it. It started from the inside. My mother decided that she was moving back to the US. I was happy for her. She was going home. And my brother was going to Vermont to study with my other siblings. Good for him. My best friend of 20 some years, Jonathan, announced that he was doing his PhD in North Carolina. I was so proud of him. A little jealous too, but mostly really happy for him. Things began to change between my girlfriend and I. We began to drift apart and eventually we went our separate ways. Though at the time, my thoughts were on marriage and not on the differences that were driving us apart. I knew the end was coming, but I couldn’t believe it. Remember that key word, security!
Well September rolls along and I’m off on a business trip in Toronto. Girlfriend has moved out, best friend gone, family gone. My security net was unraveling fast. Lucky for my I had made a great group a friends in the year prior to this. So not all was lost. But I was hanging by a thread. Then one day I broke down. My security was gone. My friends were curious. Why was this 26 year old, who had a decent job, good health and a positive attitude reduced to a ball of tears and anger. Well, the answer is quite simple. To me, the one thing I need, the one thing I cherished, my security, was now gone, and for me the future was grim. I was on my own, out of the nest and left to fend for myself. It was game over man. Game over.
Those were some pretty hard months, as my roommates will remember. Knowing that the security I loved was coming to an end, I did the one thing that any one would do. I applied to leave the country. I had to get out. I wanted to escape this nightmare. So I signed up to go to Japan. I though no one understood what I was going through. How could they? And I got accepted. It’s funny how security works though. Those friends I made turned out to be some of the best. it was hard to leave for Japan that Saturday morning.
And here I am today, in a Japanese high school, writing this because all my classes are cancelled and I have nothing but time. In the years of my life, I have never felt less secure. There is no one to kiss good night, no one to vacuum my room, no one to hold in my arms. Can I say I’m 100% happy about that? No. There are nights when I feel very cold, alone and very scared. But I will tell you this. I have never in my life felt more alive. Those conservatives feelings are gone. All that remains are my true feelings. The ones that were there the entire time. And now I can start to figure out the real me. And not the Jason that was so desperate, yes DESPERATE for security. So what have i learned.
Well, the US used to be a nice country, but I can’t agree with much of what happens there anymore. The world is no longer a safe placed because of the US. I don’t like George Bush, but I can’t say that I’d like his democratic replacement any more. Japan is a nice country, but it’s got problems as well. And yes, some times I can be extreme. But now that I no longer have security to lead me around. I think those days are changing, perhaps for the better.
So while being in Japan itself isn’t changing me, I would say that being as far away from home as possible is having quite the effect on me. So now I can understand these changes. And I know its just the beginning. I will now proceed to sit back, relax, and not worry so much about security anymore. Al least the false kind that I cannot control. The only security that I will focus on now is the security of my mind. Security can be as addictive if not more addictive then the most powerful drugs out there.
I also have learned that I can live on my own just fine. Look ma, no strings!
